The Quest for equality

Hi everyone, International women's day is the 8th of March every year. As this was only a few days ago I decided to post something to honor that day. Enjoy

Many people who know me often ask if I am a feminist and my answer often gets a mixed response. I tell them I am not. I know it’s a shocker; I am an ideal candidate to be a feminist. While I do believe in the cause and support it I realized that if I decided to accept certain limitations in my life I could not truly call myself a feminist. So I have rather coined a new phrase to describe myself, I am a member of the ethical treatment of everyone.

While I do believe man and woman cannot be equal (don’t attack me, it is truly hard with so many variables that it makes rocket science look like a walk in the park) I do believe each gender should be treated ethically. One gender is not put on earth to serve the other and this goes both ways, men do not treat women as your personal maid and women do not treat men as your personal atm.

While there are many topics that I could discuss under this header I think one of the most controversial is sexuality. So I am going to be like a deer and headlights and run towards it. So hubby was watching a movie recently it was called “Road to yesterday”. The summary man marries woman, man decides to cheat on woman’s birthday, woman is distraught goes out on the town and makes a mistake, she too cheats but her accomplice leaves her with an eternal gift she gets to unwrap 9 months later.

Now I am not here to judge anyone, life is complicated enough as it is. However, I could not help but notice a familiar trend in hubby’s reaction. When the man cheated it was acceptable, in fact, it was almost the woman’s fault, she had to have pushed him to do it. But when it was the woman’s turn it was different, the point of no return had been crossed. She was vengeful, cruel, unfaithful, a stained person who deserved to be abandoned. Where came the understanding that she equally had been pushed to do it.

As for the child, well we all know the drill too well. The child is not welcomed in the house that was once a happy home. Would the case be the same if the child belonged to the man? Errrr… no, I can just hear the words now “You have to accept the child; it is your husband’s. Don’t worry your place in the house will not be given away you will always be the first wife”.

The reaction is the same even for those unmarried, a man enjoying his youth, exploring his sexuality is deemed acceptable. However, a woman attempts the same and well we all know the colorful words that will be used to describe her.

Do I think this will change sadly no I don’t, I think the fundamental difference between the genders will always prevent the dream of equality from happening. But what I think can change is how we treat each other. We can all be more accepting of one another and be willing to show the same understanding, kindness and forgiveness to each other, irrespective of our gender. We all need love at the end of the day.

I end this by saying why the road to equality might be a mythical quest which we never know might be a reality one day, but the road to ethical treatment of one another is very achievable by all. So the next time you want to judge a situation switch the roles, think if this was a woman (or man) would I react the same way. If not you might want to rethink your decision.

Letting Go

I have always prided myself on being Miss Independent; largely due to my upbringing. When you live in a house which consisted majorly of women you quickly learn there really isn’t anything like boy’s tasks or girl’s tasks. Topping up the generator with petrol, washing the car and cooking Sunday breakfast we did it all. Yes, everything was game for everyone. I guess the person who benefited the most was my brother, he somehow turned into the dream husband for most women, he cooks, he cleans and is very well organized. Yes, as you can expect there are ladies lined up for two blocks trying to get his attention.

However, what are you to do when you suddenly realize that you might have to let go of some of that independence. How do you unlearn all the things you have held true for so many years? My first real encounter was when I found myself in a committed relationship, girls you know the one I am talking about, the type of relationship that makes you think are there really still men like this out there.

Yes, I found myself in that type of relationship and I found myself struggling with the concept of letting someone else take care of me. All I kept thinking was I can do that for myself I really don’t need you to do this or that or that. Needless to say, that caused a lot of friction but I survived and somehow managed to reprogram myself to let somebody else in.

Reflecting on the whole situation, I realize that my problem wasn’t necessarily the loss of my independence, having someone else share my responsibilities isn’t so bad. In fact, it is way better than having to do it all alone. I realize the problem was actually letting somebody else in. Being independent means that you have built a wall around yourself and having built this wall you know everything about the wall. You know its strong point, its weak points and the don’t even think about going there points. All of this means that the chances of this wall failing you are very minimal and there is a lot of comfort in knowing that.

To give this up means you introduce another wall that you need to depend on. This is risky business, you don’t really know anything about this wall and even when you claim to do this wall isn’t yours so it can fail you at any time. So we are all cautious and rather depend on our own wall. It is better to be safe than sorry.

But what happens when there is a sudden change that requires you to depend on another person's wall whether you like it or not. How do we deal with that? Right now all I can come up with is patience and prayer. Think about it now you have to depend on somebody else to get things done, you have to wait for them to do it in their own time, at their own convenience and the best part you cannot rush them. Isn’t that just a recipe for disaster? Maybe we should add fasting to my list: Prayer, fasting and Patience.

While I do not have a solution for the frustrations that you will face (I recommend a glass of wine) I do know that letting go might not be the worst thing in the world. Here is something to think about, unless we are ready to experience the unknown, how do we discover new and possibly better things? Think about it and good luck in letting go.

I am doing good

This week’s post is inspired by Kirk Franklin’s song 123 Victory, for those of you who haven’t heard it yet, you need to give it a go. I will even make it easy for you, click here to listen. I have always believed in the power of music. I believe music has the ability to awaken different emotions in us. Whether it is motivation, empathy, healing or praise. The right song just knows how to get us in the right mood.

The reason I think music is so powerful isn’t really the beat, although yes the beat can be fun. I have many memories of shameless alcohol induced dancing to back that up. I think the reason music is so powerful, are the words, the words are the ones that inspire the emotions in us.

Think about it, have you ever been exercising and about to give up, then Katy Perry’s roar starts to play, next thing you know, you get a surge of energy from some unknown reserve tank and you conquer your workout. Or your lying next to your significant other and John Legend’s all of you starts to play, next thing you know… well, I don’t think I am going to talk about that we can all imagine what happens next.

The point I am trying to make is the words in songs have power. Which takes me back to my initial song “123 Victory”, by now I expect you have all listened to it. If not stop reading and listen to the words of the song, then come back. Do you not find the words powerful, no matter what I am going through I am doing good.

Yes, there is definitely power in those words, however, did you all catch what he says at the end. He said “See the reason why you are doing good is because what is ahead of you, is greater than all things that were behind you. See, you got to understand that everything was already ordained before you got here, for you to do good”. Preach Kirk!! Preach!!!

How true are these words, I remember being an unemployed graduate, who walked to the train station every day because I needed to save money on bus fare and look at me now. Driving my gas guzzler everywhere. I remember wishing and praying I could go on holiday, know what a hamburger tasted like, even ride in an air conditioned car. I guess what I am trying to say is I remember praying for the things I have now. Thank you, lord.

For those of you yet to listen to the song, I think now is a good time to listen to it. And to those who have already listened to it, give it another go. So the next time life throws you a flaming hot s**t ball. You just step out of the way and say “I am doing good”.

On a final note, I hope I inspired some of you to donate last week. If not please donate, let's help others to do good too. 

Let us remember to give back.

I am writing this post because I just watched a video on youtube that reminded me of how fortunate and blessed I am and I was moved to want to do more. Growing up in Lagos, seeing beggars on the street was as common as seeing a poster of the latest Nollywood blockbuster. They were everywhere and I never really thought twice about them to me they blended into the background that made Lagos the city it was.

At the age of 10, I had an eye-opening experience with one of them. No, it isn’t what you are thinking I didn’t suddenly see them in the light they probably wanted me to but I saw them in a negative one. I remember the day clearly I was on my way home from school. Back then my school was so far away a school bus had to ferry me to and fro from school. The bus had almost reached its final stop but it was held back by a traffic warden, I was staring out the window probably dreaming of lunch when I looked down and saw a beggar really close to the wheels of the bus.  This particular beggar sat crossed leg on a small wooden plank with wheels underneath it. From initial assessment anyone who would have looked at him would come to the same conclusion, he was unable to walk.

I was instantly horrified, I thought the bus was going to crush his already damaged legs and I turned to raise the alarm about what was about to happen. However, something made me look back, I am not sure what, maybe I wanted to be sure the wheels would touch him or to assess how much time I had to stop the bus from moving, but I looked back. All I can say was I definitely wasn’t expecting what happened next.

This person saw exactly what I saw and I am guessing he did not want his legs to be crushed by the bus either, so he did the logical thing, he stood up moved away from danger and sat back down. He looked up to see my confounded face, laughed and continued on his way. From that moment on I never trusted anyone I saw begging for money. I believed they were all scam artists after my money.

As the years passed and I no longer saw the world through the eyes of a child, I could clearly see two things. I was fortunate and I was blessed. There is so much suffering and pain in this world, that I sometimes feel guilty that my worry is more about what am I going to eat today and not do I have anything to eat today. I often come across stories that make me kneel down and pray and say thank you, lord, that you picked me to have the life I have.

Maybe it was my prayers that finally, wiped that horrible memory from my mind, and allowed compassion to replace the distaste I felt for people in need. So I give back, in as many ways I can, I sponsor a child and a drug addict so both can have the life I have, I volunteer as often as I can and I donate to worthy causes. I came across one such cause, we all hear about internally displaced people in Nigeria. These people have been pushed out of their homes through no fault of their own. And now live lives none of us would wish upon anyone we know.

Let us extend a helping hand. I know things may be tight for everyone, I assure you I am feeling the pinch just as much as everyone (why is it life gets more expensive the older you are) but from my experience, I have found that the more that you give, the more you will receive. Please donate if you can to this cause https://www.gofundme.com/shipping-food-to-nigerias-idps and help feed those who cannot feed themselves. Thank you

I can do anything

This is a statement that followed me for a few years in Nigeria and frankly, after a while, it simply started to upset me. No, it is not the start to a motivational speech, nor is it people professing their faith (Corinthians 4:13). No, it is a job seekers response to the question “What would you like to do”.

Now before you all attack me, I get it, I know, I have seen it. It is difficult out there, a degree guarantees you nothing!!! Absolutely nothing!!! And with the current exchange rate, there is nothing as demoralizing as emerging from 4+ years of struggle to join the band wagon of “I am looking for a job”. However, sometimes I can’t help but think we are the own architects of our predicaments.

Let me give you a summary of my story, I graduated with two degrees in Chemical Engineering, so you can imagine how many hours I put into that. After a year plus of looking for a job, I decided to take an unpaid internship. Yes, I worked for free!!! Now because I worked for free didn’t mean I didn’t hold myself accountable to high standards, I worked just as hard if not harder than the paid staff and was soon awarded a permanent contract.  After 2 years with them, I realized this was not the direction I wanted for my life, so I made the most difficult decision till date. I dropped everything I knew and wanted and moved countries.

I started from the bottom again, took another internship which was meant to last 3 months. However, I quickly made myself indispensable so I was offered a position to undertake my NYSC with them. Then disaster hit, my batch was the first batch to all be sent to serve in schools. I remember staring horrified at the letter which sent me to a primary school in Oshodi. I remember thinking to myself am I going to waste one year of my life. What am I going to do with this experience once I am done?

Omo I was not going to carry last so I fought back, first I signed up to serve for free, yes people Lagos state government did not pay me a kobo. Now because I was not paid, I was a part-time staff and I was redirected to a school a walking distance from my house which meant no cost incurred on my part. And finally, I went back to the company who initially offered me a place and asked for a part-time position. Now, of course, all did not come easy I had to fight and fight I did. The fight did not end with me getting a placement with the company I  wanted to work for but I took it as far as holding myself to the same accountability as the permanent staff. This meant I had to perform just as well in both places.

By the end of my service year, I had secured employment, to the shock of most of my corp members. They were now dealing with the question I dealt with when I first viewed my dispatch letter “What am I going to do with one-year teaching experience”. Why am I saying all of this, I am saying this because I want us all to take responsibility for our lives and future. Planning for your future does not start after you are done with school but while you are in school.

This is the perfect time to begin to mold yourself into what you want to be, have a clear direction, have goals, a plan and most importantly take steps to achieve it. I find the saying “I can do anything” the easy way out, you have your hands in everything and you are not committing to anything which makes it easy for you to blame others and society for your problems. Trust me problems will come; Rome was not built in a day. It also makes you easy prey for the dream killers, we all know them the people whose sole purpose is to (UN) intentionally bring you down. Fight back; you are after all the architect of your destiny.  

Got till it’s gone

As a child I was a massive Janet Jackson fan, I loved everything she did and still do. I thought she was absolutely fantastic and knew the lyrics to most of her songs, which wasn’t an easy feat cos Miss Jackson isn’t the most audible when she sings. One of my absolute favs was “Got Til It’s Gone” even at my very young age I knew those lyrics had a lot of depth. It made me think, you see I had just gone through the horrific experience of changing secondary schools, I had lost all my popularity, and went from being known by all to not being known at all. Yes, Janet I completely understand.

The more I have grown the more Miss Jackson's words ring true. For those who don’t know the full line, it is “Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone”. Just think about it, how many times have these words, rang true in our lives, from primary school when we lost TV privileges for being naughty or in secondary school when we were sent to summer school and all day playing was not an option anymore. To university when you realize Garri costs money, to NYSC were I am sorry 32 people in a room is simply not acceptable, to finally getting into the job market and you finally truly realize the value of money.

Each time it is like Miss Jackson is singing to us in the background. Well sometimes she might be louder than others; finally being responsible for buying petrol in your car is not funny. Having fully accepted this theory in my life, sometimes I wonder why we as humans do not just appreciate things when we do have it.

For example, if I have 10 million why do I not relish in the moment and enjoy the security it provides, why do I have to wait until that 10 million becomes N500, 000 before I remember the good old days where I did not have to worry about cash. Why oh why, but I guess if I knew the answer to that I would be richer than I am now.  Hmmm, I think that will be a good topic for another day why am I not Dangote rich?

Finally, I would like to apologize for my radio silence; it was due to health reasons. Thanks to those who checked up on me the entire time, I have good family and friends. Shout out to my mum who called me 50 times a day, a daughter never felt so loved. And last but definitely not the least to the number one person in my life by dear hubby, a girl can only dream of such love, care and kindness. I truly love you.

When they go low, we go high

A friend recently asked me to watch Michelle Obama’s speech at this year’s democratic convention. After what seemed like forever to her, I finally gave in and watched it and guys it was amazing like seriously it was amazing. Please if you haven’t seen it, you need to see it; it is worth all 17 minutes.

There were so many key moments in the speech but none stood out to me as much as this statement “When they go low, we go high”. I am not sure why this stuck or why I was able to relate to it very much but I just do. The more I think about it now, I think it is because as you get older the things of the world do not seem to matter as much.

As usual, I will give you an example when I was younger quite a few things used to bother me. Let’s say I text you and you never text back or I allowed you to use my cooking spoon but you did not return the favor. All these things seemed so shocking to me and this led to many arguments. Fast forward many years later and it isn’t as bad as I thought I can comfortably deal with all these issues without even raising an eyebrow.

But what about the bigger ones, you know the ones that actually leave you speechless sometimes. The ones that make you question everything you thought you knew about the person. How are you able to go high when they go low? How are you able to turn the other cheek when it didn’t feel like a slap but more of an uppercut to your perfect jawline? How do you move forward?

I weirdly found the answer when I was being unfairly treated. It was on my recent trip to Mexico, Mexico is a beautiful country, with some of the loveliest people in the world. I recommend you all visit. So I and my sister were driving trying to get to our destination when we got stopped by the police. Apparently, we were speeding, now before we left we had asked about the speed limit, we were told nobody obeyed the limit and there were no cameras. And the way people were driving, let me just tell you I was the slowest person on the road. But there was this police officer telling me otherwise.

To cut the long story short, we had to tip the police officer to let us go with a warning. Normally I would not condone this but I did not want to be stuck dealing with the Mexican Police, so when in Rome do as the Romans do. As we were about to leave, the police officer in question asked us where we were heading and we found out that we were miles off our destination and gave us the correct directions.

This whole incident left me torn, should I be mad that I was wrongfully stopped and had to part with my precious pesos or should I be grateful that I got the right directions got to my destination and stopped $300 worth of activities go down the drain.

Yeah, I can feel you all being torn. I will help you out a bit remember that say “In every disappointment, there is a blessing in disguise” well I was able to see my blessing. That is probably why I can relate to Michelle’s words, the way I see it is rather than let the attitudes of others bring you low and turn you into something you are not, why not raise above it, look for the blessing in it and go high. Remember in every setback there is an opportunity.