Ignorance is Bliss

Last week was date night with hubby and although I really just wanted to sit at home in my boo boo and binge watch something on Netflix, I forced myself and hubby to go out. We have spent way too many weekends just watching Netflix and Chilling. I am starting to wonder what happened to the couple who had a social calendar that was the envy of so many.

We decided to go out and have dinner, I picked a restaurant that would appeal to both parties. For me the opportunity to try something new and different and for hubby the presence of meat. As long as the restaurant offers a wide selection of different types of meat, he is good.

As we approached the restaurant I saw a kid through the window, his face was covered with sauce, he was chewing and smiling at the same time and I knew I had picked a good place. The smell that welcomed us as we stepped in affirmed the fact that this was going to be an enjoyable experience. In that moment, I knew I made the right choice by shunning Netflix.

We took our seats and we were presented with 3 menus, each one with significant bulk which only meant the selections were going to be substantial. I approached the task at hand (ordering) with the same tactic, drinks first, then appetizers, the main next and if there was still space desert. However, there was something different, yes the menus looked brand new and shiny but right next to each selection my arch nemesis was smiling right back at me.

A few months back the government of Canada, signed into legislation that all food establishments must now display the calorie content of all their selections.  The goal behind this was to empower people with the knowledge to make smarter food decisions. This seemed like a brilliant idea until you realize just how many calories are in your favorite appetizer.

You are less likely to want to order a strawberry daiquiri if you knew that in that small glass you were consuming 300+ calories. That is 15% of my daily recommended calories intake and I haven’t even ordered my food yet. Bearing in mind this is dinner so I have already given more than half of my 2000 calories to breakfast and lunch.

The appetizers were no better, who wants to order nachos or BBQ chicken wings when you are looking at 700 calories? Don’t even get me started on the main, some had 2000+ calories in them and of course those were the good ones. The only thing that was respectable was the salads, but who goes to a restaurant to have a salad. I can make one myself thank you very much. And if I am feeling extra lazy I can buy a ready made one. It is still way cheaper

Needless to say, my date night was semi-ruined, I simply could not in all good conscience order what I really wanted and decided to order something somewhere in the middle. This clearly took me past my daily recommended limit so I consoled myself by refusing to finish my meal, I decided I would feel better if a split my calories over a 3-day period.

Am I happy about what the government did, well yes and no? I must admit the knowing the calorie content empowered me to make smarter choices which I know will be beneficial towards me in the future. But then again, this was my first date night in a while and I would have loved to eat and drink without thinking about tomorrow. I guess what they say is true Ignorance is truly bliss.  

Out with the old, in with the new

As Easter approaches I am reminded of a lot of things, one obviously being the meaning of the season. I have always felt Easter was never really given the big hora, it deserves it has always played second fiddle to Christmas. In my opinion, it shouldn’t. If we all reflect on the meaning of both seasons many of us might see that Easter holds a bigger promise. However, Christmas does have the advantage of being at the end of the year, everyone is pretty much done with that year and looking forward to something new, so I can see why it holds a bigger appeal.

One of the biggest appeals of both seasons has always been traditions. Each year the family gets together and we do pretty much the same thing. Year in, year out. Some traditions I loved, like the promise of 2 eggs and sausages to go with my yam on Christmas morning. Other traditions I didn’t like so much. For example, being forced to socialize with people I saw 4 times in a year. Honestly what exactly was I going to talk to this person about? After the usual pleasantries, each child would retreat to a corner of the room allocated to us and count the seconds until you heard your parents say the magical words “It is time to go home”. 

Loved them or hate them, they were a part of my life and I admit I missed each one when it was no more. Of all the traditions, the biggest one in my life was the presence of family at every occasion. 

No matter what we were celebrating I could count on my family being present, it is safe to say we all have a significant impact on each other's lives. These were happy days for me and I do not think I ever considered what would happen when these days would join the ranks of old traditions.

The day arrived sooner than I was prepared, the first change my primary nuclear family was no longer mummy, daddy and siblings but me, hubby and our future blessings. Imagine trying to explain to your significant other why you want to spend Christmas with your siblings rather than him. Yeah, you all see it, ko le work (It will not work).

The second big change, my number one priority changed. Imagine explaining why you needed to contribute to the purchase of an item for your sibling let’s say in this case a wedding band. When you have not focused on your own necessities as a family. Let’s say a down payment on a house. Again ko le work.

Yes, just like that, a precious tradition became an old tradition. I will be honest and let you all know I struggled, my first Christmas with my new nuclear family was hard and I thank God every day that my younger sister came to visit, without her I might have just been a blubbering mess. I missed it all, the mad dash to the supermarkets to buy everything we did and did not need. The fight to have turkey or not to have turkey, morning mass, opening presents and the drinks. Even my sister who is the biggest miss independent in the world felt the void.

Thankfully there is a massive light at the end of the tunnel, you see without letting go of the old how do we make space for the new. We can try and cramp in as many things in the same space but truth be told when there are so many things clustered in one place how do we truly know and value what we have.

The new is sometimes so much better than the old, but we can never really know this unless we are willing to try. For instance, I discovered there are tons of people just like me not having their extended family who once played a big role in their lives during the holidays. So to fill the void they hold parties. This meant a Christmas without cooking!!!! How many people can boast of that? I end this by asking you to imagine your hands being held out with your fists closed. How can you receive anything that way? Now imagine you with your fists open, isn’t that better you can receive freely from everyone.  

Judge and Jury

This week I gave some pretty shocking advice by my standards to a friend. I think the reason I found it so shocking was that I presumed I was a lot more free spirited than this. But here I was with a very serious face, letting my friend know that I was not as free spirited as I thought.

What was the advice, to put it quite simply I told her “I know we all do not want to judge people, but sometimes you have to judge people”. Now before you all start judging me, let me explain myself. My friend had somehow found herself in a situation that to be honest if she had passed judgement earlier it would not have gotten that bad.

Still confused? Do we all remember the movie, Bad Neighbours? It is about a couple who live next door to a bunch of frat students. Let’s take a page out of the script and imagine a situation where you and your significant other are looking for a place to live, the two of you are working full-time jobs and have a little bundle of joy.

You guys are the picture-perfect family. You find the perfect house, but here is the catch you will be living next to five students. What would you do?

Would you A – Walk away immediately, these are students we are talking about. There would most likely be loud music coming from next door, a lot of people coming and going, some extensive co-curricular activities taking place, the presence of extra housemates not necessarily of the human gene (I hear birds are the new must have pets) and a mess that would make changing your baby’s diapers look like a walk in the park. 

Or would you B – Give them the benefit of the doubt, after all everybody deserves a chance. They could turn out to be the studious type, considerate to everyone around them, willing to help you out with your house chores, washing the car, mowing the lawn all those would-be things of the past. They could even help with the baby. What is better than having a babysitter next door.

I do not know about you, but I know which option I would pick. I would need extra legs to get me away from that house as fast as I would like, there can be other perfect houses and if I cannot find another perfect house, I will take the next best thing. As much as I do not want to place judgement on people when I do not know them, for this scenario I would have to be that cruel.

There was a point I thought the world was black and white. What was wrong, was wrong and what was right was well right. But now I know that the world is one giant grey ball. It is getting harder and harder to distinguish what is right and wrong. There are some many angles to observe a topic that sometimes it is impossible to pick which one is truly the right choice.

Looking at the example I described earlier if I was a fresh face graduate, in my first job. I would not mind living next to students. I might even inquire if there was space in the house. I would be guaranteed a jolly good time with them. I guess the difference is where I am at in my life. There is a time for everything. There is a time to be free spirited and there is a time to be the judge and jury.

So maybe it is time to hang up my free spirit boots and put on my wig and cap because placing preconceived judgements sometimes saves you a whole lot of drama.  

If Only...

First I would like to apologize that I was MIA last week, I had one of those weeks where I rather not remember. You know the one I am talking about, the one that makes you want to stick your tongue out to the world and retract your membership to the world of adults.

Yes, I know it is very odd just a couple of weeks ago I was supporting the cause for everyone to embrace the world of adults and right now I am firmly standing in the opposite corner. To begin this sort of explains the week I had, so you all can’t judge me, you have all been there once or twice in your stints as an adult.

As an adult from the moment you wake up there is always a responsibility to be dealt with. As a parent, you have to deal with getting your child ready and as a single person you have to take care of yourself, whether it be feeding yourself or making the money to pretty much do anything and everything. There is never really a moment when you a truly responsibility free. Do you blame a woman for wanting a break once in a while?

As a child, I had no worries at all, except if you count wanting to be popular at school and sometimes wanting to be top of the class. Aside from those, I did not have a care in the world. Mummy and daddy were responsible for it all. When we ran out of food, mummy took care of that. When I needed money daddy took care of that and when I needed extra money well mummy’s party handbags took care of that. There was always N20 in there that could buy me biscuits.

 Why or why did I not realize what I had at that moment, honestly I would have savored that moment just a little bit more. I would have enjoyed the fact that I was been driven everywhere and constantly being asked if I was OK. Right now even if I am not OK, I am still expected to fix it.

I would have enjoyed the fact that I did not have to clean or do my laundry or pay bills. Everything I had was solely for me and I happily spent it on me. All the mallam’s (petty traders) in the area knew me well and always made sure a stack of my favorite treats were in stock.

Can I just not give back my membership to the world of adults, just for a day or maybe a week. A week and I will be good for about 6 months. For 6 months I would relive my memories of being totally carefree. It would almost be like going on a responsibility free holiday.

Yes, I can hear you all laughing at me… but a girl can dream… if only…if only…

Becoming an Adult

Most days at work I have lunch with the same person, I do this for multiple reasons one of them being she views me as a wise elderly sister and often seeks my advice on many things. I have to admit this does wonders for my ego and I come away from our lunches feeling like I should have my own advice column in a national newspaper.

We talk about everything and I mean everything, from Trump being well Trump, to the girl who every day seems to wear inappropriate clothing to work. I have come to the conclusion she must be an intern because sometimes she just looks like she might be going clubbing (OK I am just gossiping now).

Recently we were discussing the TV series “Girls”, for those who have never seen it, this show is about 4 twenty-something girls trying to navigate the pathway to becoming an adult. The show is pretty good, mostly because it is realistic in a lot of ways. Firstly, they use real women so the girls on the show look like how most of us look (big up for showing women of all shapes and sizes are beautiful). Second, the problems are relate-able. Most of us will at some point or the other go through the issues.

You would think with all these good things going for the show I and my friend would love it completely. It was actually the opposite, while we could relate to the characters and walk in their shoes, we could not help but just wish they would get their act together. For example, when the main character finally gets into a stable relationship, she chooses a guy which everybody but her can tell will lead nowhere. And then she gets upset that her relationship did not go anywhere. Like really!! Really!!!

This got me thinking when does it become acceptable for you to admit to yourself I am an adult and I need to make smart adult-like decisions. Is it in your twenties, thirties or until you finally stop feeling like a kid? A read two articles recently that did nothing but confuse me more, one was about a 32-year-old couch surfer. At 32 she still wanted to live in the big city, in the city center to be specific. The problem was she could no longer afford it, her solution, sleep on people’s couches until she figured it out. 

The other was about a 30-year-old who had managed to pay off his mortgage in 3 years.  For the last 3 years, he worked 3 jobs, lived on the barest minimum and even rented his house while he lived in the basement.  The result he is debt free and all the money he makes is for him. I could not understand why one person still could not make the decision to live according to their means and the other went the extra mile to achieve a feat most people would not. What makes an individual finally decide to grow up?

The answer, I haven’t the faintest clue but I do think that the people and environment you interact with daily does influence your decisions in life. For example, if you grow up in a community where going off to university is not considered important, you will most likely think the same way. If you have friends who are still interested in having a good time up till 40, again you will most likely think the same way.

Looking at this from another angle, if you grew up in that same community but you have a support system pushing you to want more, you might go off to university. Similarly, even if you have friends who are party animals, having a support system pushing you to do more, would give you the ability to separate your worlds and go on ahead to achieve more. 

Hmmm, maybe that is the answer, having a good support system. But I have come across people who have amazing support systems but still refuse to grow up. OK, I am officially back to square one, I haven’t the faintest clue. I guess the only thing left to do is add it to the list of things humans do that I will NEVER understand.

The Quest for equality

Hi everyone, International women's day is the 8th of March every year. As this was only a few days ago I decided to post something to honor that day. Enjoy

Many people who know me often ask if I am a feminist and my answer often gets a mixed response. I tell them I am not. I know it’s a shocker; I am an ideal candidate to be a feminist. While I do believe in the cause and support it I realized that if I decided to accept certain limitations in my life I could not truly call myself a feminist. So I have rather coined a new phrase to describe myself, I am a member of the ethical treatment of everyone.

While I do believe man and woman cannot be equal (don’t attack me, it is truly hard with so many variables that it makes rocket science look like a walk in the park) I do believe each gender should be treated ethically. One gender is not put on earth to serve the other and this goes both ways, men do not treat women as your personal maid and women do not treat men as your personal atm.

While there are many topics that I could discuss under this header I think one of the most controversial is sexuality. So I am going to be like a deer and headlights and run towards it. So hubby was watching a movie recently it was called “Road to yesterday”. The summary man marries woman, man decides to cheat on woman’s birthday, woman is distraught goes out on the town and makes a mistake, she too cheats but her accomplice leaves her with an eternal gift she gets to unwrap 9 months later.

Now I am not here to judge anyone, life is complicated enough as it is. However, I could not help but notice a familiar trend in hubby’s reaction. When the man cheated it was acceptable, in fact, it was almost the woman’s fault, she had to have pushed him to do it. But when it was the woman’s turn it was different, the point of no return had been crossed. She was vengeful, cruel, unfaithful, a stained person who deserved to be abandoned. Where came the understanding that she equally had been pushed to do it.

As for the child, well we all know the drill too well. The child is not welcomed in the house that was once a happy home. Would the case be the same if the child belonged to the man? Errrr… no, I can just hear the words now “You have to accept the child; it is your husband’s. Don’t worry your place in the house will not be given away you will always be the first wife”.

The reaction is the same even for those unmarried, a man enjoying his youth, exploring his sexuality is deemed acceptable. However, a woman attempts the same and well we all know the colorful words that will be used to describe her.

Do I think this will change sadly no I don’t, I think the fundamental difference between the genders will always prevent the dream of equality from happening. But what I think can change is how we treat each other. We can all be more accepting of one another and be willing to show the same understanding, kindness and forgiveness to each other, irrespective of our gender. We all need love at the end of the day.

I end this by saying why the road to equality might be a mythical quest which we never know might be a reality one day, but the road to ethical treatment of one another is very achievable by all. So the next time you want to judge a situation switch the roles, think if this was a woman (or man) would I react the same way. If not you might want to rethink your decision.

Letting Go

I have always prided myself on being Miss Independent; largely due to my upbringing. When you live in a house which consisted majorly of women you quickly learn there really isn’t anything like boy’s tasks or girl’s tasks. Topping up the generator with petrol, washing the car and cooking Sunday breakfast we did it all. Yes, everything was game for everyone. I guess the person who benefited the most was my brother, he somehow turned into the dream husband for most women, he cooks, he cleans and is very well organized. Yes, as you can expect there are ladies lined up for two blocks trying to get his attention.

However, what are you to do when you suddenly realize that you might have to let go of some of that independence. How do you unlearn all the things you have held true for so many years? My first real encounter was when I found myself in a committed relationship, girls you know the one I am talking about, the type of relationship that makes you think are there really still men like this out there.

Yes, I found myself in that type of relationship and I found myself struggling with the concept of letting someone else take care of me. All I kept thinking was I can do that for myself I really don’t need you to do this or that or that. Needless to say, that caused a lot of friction but I survived and somehow managed to reprogram myself to let somebody else in.

Reflecting on the whole situation, I realize that my problem wasn’t necessarily the loss of my independence, having someone else share my responsibilities isn’t so bad. In fact, it is way better than having to do it all alone. I realize the problem was actually letting somebody else in. Being independent means that you have built a wall around yourself and having built this wall you know everything about the wall. You know its strong point, its weak points and the don’t even think about going there points. All of this means that the chances of this wall failing you are very minimal and there is a lot of comfort in knowing that.

To give this up means you introduce another wall that you need to depend on. This is risky business, you don’t really know anything about this wall and even when you claim to do this wall isn’t yours so it can fail you at any time. So we are all cautious and rather depend on our own wall. It is better to be safe than sorry.

But what happens when there is a sudden change that requires you to depend on another person's wall whether you like it or not. How do we deal with that? Right now all I can come up with is patience and prayer. Think about it now you have to depend on somebody else to get things done, you have to wait for them to do it in their own time, at their own convenience and the best part you cannot rush them. Isn’t that just a recipe for disaster? Maybe we should add fasting to my list: Prayer, fasting and Patience.

While I do not have a solution for the frustrations that you will face (I recommend a glass of wine) I do know that letting go might not be the worst thing in the world. Here is something to think about, unless we are ready to experience the unknown, how do we discover new and possibly better things? Think about it and good luck in letting go.