Ignorance is Bliss

Last week was date night with hubby and although I really just wanted to sit at home in my boo boo and binge watch something on Netflix, I forced myself and hubby to go out. We have spent way too many weekends just watching Netflix and Chilling. I am starting to wonder what happened to the couple who had a social calendar that was the envy of so many.

We decided to go out and have dinner, I picked a restaurant that would appeal to both parties. For me the opportunity to try something new and different and for hubby the presence of meat. As long as the restaurant offers a wide selection of different types of meat, he is good.

As we approached the restaurant I saw a kid through the window, his face was covered with sauce, he was chewing and smiling at the same time and I knew I had picked a good place. The smell that welcomed us as we stepped in affirmed the fact that this was going to be an enjoyable experience. In that moment, I knew I made the right choice by shunning Netflix.

We took our seats and we were presented with 3 menus, each one with significant bulk which only meant the selections were going to be substantial. I approached the task at hand (ordering) with the same tactic, drinks first, then appetizers, the main next and if there was still space desert. However, there was something different, yes the menus looked brand new and shiny but right next to each selection my arch nemesis was smiling right back at me.

A few months back the government of Canada, signed into legislation that all food establishments must now display the calorie content of all their selections.  The goal behind this was to empower people with the knowledge to make smarter food decisions. This seemed like a brilliant idea until you realize just how many calories are in your favorite appetizer.

You are less likely to want to order a strawberry daiquiri if you knew that in that small glass you were consuming 300+ calories. That is 15% of my daily recommended calories intake and I haven’t even ordered my food yet. Bearing in mind this is dinner so I have already given more than half of my 2000 calories to breakfast and lunch.

The appetizers were no better, who wants to order nachos or BBQ chicken wings when you are looking at 700 calories? Don’t even get me started on the main, some had 2000+ calories in them and of course those were the good ones. The only thing that was respectable was the salads, but who goes to a restaurant to have a salad. I can make one myself thank you very much. And if I am feeling extra lazy I can buy a ready made one. It is still way cheaper

Needless to say, my date night was semi-ruined, I simply could not in all good conscience order what I really wanted and decided to order something somewhere in the middle. This clearly took me past my daily recommended limit so I consoled myself by refusing to finish my meal, I decided I would feel better if a split my calories over a 3-day period.

Am I happy about what the government did, well yes and no? I must admit the knowing the calorie content empowered me to make smarter choices which I know will be beneficial towards me in the future. But then again, this was my first date night in a while and I would have loved to eat and drink without thinking about tomorrow. I guess what they say is true Ignorance is truly bliss.  

Out with the old, in with the new

As Easter approaches I am reminded of a lot of things, one obviously being the meaning of the season. I have always felt Easter was never really given the big hora, it deserves it has always played second fiddle to Christmas. In my opinion, it shouldn’t. If we all reflect on the meaning of both seasons many of us might see that Easter holds a bigger promise. However, Christmas does have the advantage of being at the end of the year, everyone is pretty much done with that year and looking forward to something new, so I can see why it holds a bigger appeal.

One of the biggest appeals of both seasons has always been traditions. Each year the family gets together and we do pretty much the same thing. Year in, year out. Some traditions I loved, like the promise of 2 eggs and sausages to go with my yam on Christmas morning. Other traditions I didn’t like so much. For example, being forced to socialize with people I saw 4 times in a year. Honestly what exactly was I going to talk to this person about? After the usual pleasantries, each child would retreat to a corner of the room allocated to us and count the seconds until you heard your parents say the magical words “It is time to go home”. 

Loved them or hate them, they were a part of my life and I admit I missed each one when it was no more. Of all the traditions, the biggest one in my life was the presence of family at every occasion. 

No matter what we were celebrating I could count on my family being present, it is safe to say we all have a significant impact on each other's lives. These were happy days for me and I do not think I ever considered what would happen when these days would join the ranks of old traditions.

The day arrived sooner than I was prepared, the first change my primary nuclear family was no longer mummy, daddy and siblings but me, hubby and our future blessings. Imagine trying to explain to your significant other why you want to spend Christmas with your siblings rather than him. Yeah, you all see it, ko le work (It will not work).

The second big change, my number one priority changed. Imagine explaining why you needed to contribute to the purchase of an item for your sibling let’s say in this case a wedding band. When you have not focused on your own necessities as a family. Let’s say a down payment on a house. Again ko le work.

Yes, just like that, a precious tradition became an old tradition. I will be honest and let you all know I struggled, my first Christmas with my new nuclear family was hard and I thank God every day that my younger sister came to visit, without her I might have just been a blubbering mess. I missed it all, the mad dash to the supermarkets to buy everything we did and did not need. The fight to have turkey or not to have turkey, morning mass, opening presents and the drinks. Even my sister who is the biggest miss independent in the world felt the void.

Thankfully there is a massive light at the end of the tunnel, you see without letting go of the old how do we make space for the new. We can try and cramp in as many things in the same space but truth be told when there are so many things clustered in one place how do we truly know and value what we have.

The new is sometimes so much better than the old, but we can never really know this unless we are willing to try. For instance, I discovered there are tons of people just like me not having their extended family who once played a big role in their lives during the holidays. So to fill the void they hold parties. This meant a Christmas without cooking!!!! How many people can boast of that? I end this by asking you to imagine your hands being held out with your fists closed. How can you receive anything that way? Now imagine you with your fists open, isn’t that better you can receive freely from everyone.  

Judge and Jury

This week I gave some pretty shocking advice by my standards to a friend. I think the reason I found it so shocking was that I presumed I was a lot more free spirited than this. But here I was with a very serious face, letting my friend know that I was not as free spirited as I thought.

What was the advice, to put it quite simply I told her “I know we all do not want to judge people, but sometimes you have to judge people”. Now before you all start judging me, let me explain myself. My friend had somehow found herself in a situation that to be honest if she had passed judgement earlier it would not have gotten that bad.

Still confused? Do we all remember the movie, Bad Neighbours? It is about a couple who live next door to a bunch of frat students. Let’s take a page out of the script and imagine a situation where you and your significant other are looking for a place to live, the two of you are working full-time jobs and have a little bundle of joy.

You guys are the picture-perfect family. You find the perfect house, but here is the catch you will be living next to five students. What would you do?

Would you A – Walk away immediately, these are students we are talking about. There would most likely be loud music coming from next door, a lot of people coming and going, some extensive co-curricular activities taking place, the presence of extra housemates not necessarily of the human gene (I hear birds are the new must have pets) and a mess that would make changing your baby’s diapers look like a walk in the park. 

Or would you B – Give them the benefit of the doubt, after all everybody deserves a chance. They could turn out to be the studious type, considerate to everyone around them, willing to help you out with your house chores, washing the car, mowing the lawn all those would-be things of the past. They could even help with the baby. What is better than having a babysitter next door.

I do not know about you, but I know which option I would pick. I would need extra legs to get me away from that house as fast as I would like, there can be other perfect houses and if I cannot find another perfect house, I will take the next best thing. As much as I do not want to place judgement on people when I do not know them, for this scenario I would have to be that cruel.

There was a point I thought the world was black and white. What was wrong, was wrong and what was right was well right. But now I know that the world is one giant grey ball. It is getting harder and harder to distinguish what is right and wrong. There are some many angles to observe a topic that sometimes it is impossible to pick which one is truly the right choice.

Looking at the example I described earlier if I was a fresh face graduate, in my first job. I would not mind living next to students. I might even inquire if there was space in the house. I would be guaranteed a jolly good time with them. I guess the difference is where I am at in my life. There is a time for everything. There is a time to be free spirited and there is a time to be the judge and jury.

So maybe it is time to hang up my free spirit boots and put on my wig and cap because placing preconceived judgements sometimes saves you a whole lot of drama.  

If Only...

First I would like to apologize that I was MIA last week, I had one of those weeks where I rather not remember. You know the one I am talking about, the one that makes you want to stick your tongue out to the world and retract your membership to the world of adults.

Yes, I know it is very odd just a couple of weeks ago I was supporting the cause for everyone to embrace the world of adults and right now I am firmly standing in the opposite corner. To begin this sort of explains the week I had, so you all can’t judge me, you have all been there once or twice in your stints as an adult.

As an adult from the moment you wake up there is always a responsibility to be dealt with. As a parent, you have to deal with getting your child ready and as a single person you have to take care of yourself, whether it be feeding yourself or making the money to pretty much do anything and everything. There is never really a moment when you a truly responsibility free. Do you blame a woman for wanting a break once in a while?

As a child, I had no worries at all, except if you count wanting to be popular at school and sometimes wanting to be top of the class. Aside from those, I did not have a care in the world. Mummy and daddy were responsible for it all. When we ran out of food, mummy took care of that. When I needed money daddy took care of that and when I needed extra money well mummy’s party handbags took care of that. There was always N20 in there that could buy me biscuits.

 Why or why did I not realize what I had at that moment, honestly I would have savored that moment just a little bit more. I would have enjoyed the fact that I was been driven everywhere and constantly being asked if I was OK. Right now even if I am not OK, I am still expected to fix it.

I would have enjoyed the fact that I did not have to clean or do my laundry or pay bills. Everything I had was solely for me and I happily spent it on me. All the mallam’s (petty traders) in the area knew me well and always made sure a stack of my favorite treats were in stock.

Can I just not give back my membership to the world of adults, just for a day or maybe a week. A week and I will be good for about 6 months. For 6 months I would relive my memories of being totally carefree. It would almost be like going on a responsibility free holiday.

Yes, I can hear you all laughing at me… but a girl can dream… if only…if only…

Becoming an Adult

Most days at work I have lunch with the same person, I do this for multiple reasons one of them being she views me as a wise elderly sister and often seeks my advice on many things. I have to admit this does wonders for my ego and I come away from our lunches feeling like I should have my own advice column in a national newspaper.

We talk about everything and I mean everything, from Trump being well Trump, to the girl who every day seems to wear inappropriate clothing to work. I have come to the conclusion she must be an intern because sometimes she just looks like she might be going clubbing (OK I am just gossiping now).

Recently we were discussing the TV series “Girls”, for those who have never seen it, this show is about 4 twenty-something girls trying to navigate the pathway to becoming an adult. The show is pretty good, mostly because it is realistic in a lot of ways. Firstly, they use real women so the girls on the show look like how most of us look (big up for showing women of all shapes and sizes are beautiful). Second, the problems are relate-able. Most of us will at some point or the other go through the issues.

You would think with all these good things going for the show I and my friend would love it completely. It was actually the opposite, while we could relate to the characters and walk in their shoes, we could not help but just wish they would get their act together. For example, when the main character finally gets into a stable relationship, she chooses a guy which everybody but her can tell will lead nowhere. And then she gets upset that her relationship did not go anywhere. Like really!! Really!!!

This got me thinking when does it become acceptable for you to admit to yourself I am an adult and I need to make smart adult-like decisions. Is it in your twenties, thirties or until you finally stop feeling like a kid? A read two articles recently that did nothing but confuse me more, one was about a 32-year-old couch surfer. At 32 she still wanted to live in the big city, in the city center to be specific. The problem was she could no longer afford it, her solution, sleep on people’s couches until she figured it out. 

The other was about a 30-year-old who had managed to pay off his mortgage in 3 years.  For the last 3 years, he worked 3 jobs, lived on the barest minimum and even rented his house while he lived in the basement.  The result he is debt free and all the money he makes is for him. I could not understand why one person still could not make the decision to live according to their means and the other went the extra mile to achieve a feat most people would not. What makes an individual finally decide to grow up?

The answer, I haven’t the faintest clue but I do think that the people and environment you interact with daily does influence your decisions in life. For example, if you grow up in a community where going off to university is not considered important, you will most likely think the same way. If you have friends who are still interested in having a good time up till 40, again you will most likely think the same way.

Looking at this from another angle, if you grew up in that same community but you have a support system pushing you to want more, you might go off to university. Similarly, even if you have friends who are party animals, having a support system pushing you to do more, would give you the ability to separate your worlds and go on ahead to achieve more. 

Hmmm, maybe that is the answer, having a good support system. But I have come across people who have amazing support systems but still refuse to grow up. OK, I am officially back to square one, I haven’t the faintest clue. I guess the only thing left to do is add it to the list of things humans do that I will NEVER understand.

The Quest for equality

Hi everyone, International women's day is the 8th of March every year. As this was only a few days ago I decided to post something to honor that day. Enjoy

Many people who know me often ask if I am a feminist and my answer often gets a mixed response. I tell them I am not. I know it’s a shocker; I am an ideal candidate to be a feminist. While I do believe in the cause and support it I realized that if I decided to accept certain limitations in my life I could not truly call myself a feminist. So I have rather coined a new phrase to describe myself, I am a member of the ethical treatment of everyone.

While I do believe man and woman cannot be equal (don’t attack me, it is truly hard with so many variables that it makes rocket science look like a walk in the park) I do believe each gender should be treated ethically. One gender is not put on earth to serve the other and this goes both ways, men do not treat women as your personal maid and women do not treat men as your personal atm.

While there are many topics that I could discuss under this header I think one of the most controversial is sexuality. So I am going to be like a deer and headlights and run towards it. So hubby was watching a movie recently it was called “Road to yesterday”. The summary man marries woman, man decides to cheat on woman’s birthday, woman is distraught goes out on the town and makes a mistake, she too cheats but her accomplice leaves her with an eternal gift she gets to unwrap 9 months later.

Now I am not here to judge anyone, life is complicated enough as it is. However, I could not help but notice a familiar trend in hubby’s reaction. When the man cheated it was acceptable, in fact, it was almost the woman’s fault, she had to have pushed him to do it. But when it was the woman’s turn it was different, the point of no return had been crossed. She was vengeful, cruel, unfaithful, a stained person who deserved to be abandoned. Where came the understanding that she equally had been pushed to do it.

As for the child, well we all know the drill too well. The child is not welcomed in the house that was once a happy home. Would the case be the same if the child belonged to the man? Errrr… no, I can just hear the words now “You have to accept the child; it is your husband’s. Don’t worry your place in the house will not be given away you will always be the first wife”.

The reaction is the same even for those unmarried, a man enjoying his youth, exploring his sexuality is deemed acceptable. However, a woman attempts the same and well we all know the colorful words that will be used to describe her.

Do I think this will change sadly no I don’t, I think the fundamental difference between the genders will always prevent the dream of equality from happening. But what I think can change is how we treat each other. We can all be more accepting of one another and be willing to show the same understanding, kindness and forgiveness to each other, irrespective of our gender. We all need love at the end of the day.

I end this by saying why the road to equality might be a mythical quest which we never know might be a reality one day, but the road to ethical treatment of one another is very achievable by all. So the next time you want to judge a situation switch the roles, think if this was a woman (or man) would I react the same way. If not you might want to rethink your decision.

Letting Go

I have always prided myself on being Miss Independent; largely due to my upbringing. When you live in a house which consisted majorly of women you quickly learn there really isn’t anything like boy’s tasks or girl’s tasks. Topping up the generator with petrol, washing the car and cooking Sunday breakfast we did it all. Yes, everything was game for everyone. I guess the person who benefited the most was my brother, he somehow turned into the dream husband for most women, he cooks, he cleans and is very well organized. Yes, as you can expect there are ladies lined up for two blocks trying to get his attention.

However, what are you to do when you suddenly realize that you might have to let go of some of that independence. How do you unlearn all the things you have held true for so many years? My first real encounter was when I found myself in a committed relationship, girls you know the one I am talking about, the type of relationship that makes you think are there really still men like this out there.

Yes, I found myself in that type of relationship and I found myself struggling with the concept of letting someone else take care of me. All I kept thinking was I can do that for myself I really don’t need you to do this or that or that. Needless to say, that caused a lot of friction but I survived and somehow managed to reprogram myself to let somebody else in.

Reflecting on the whole situation, I realize that my problem wasn’t necessarily the loss of my independence, having someone else share my responsibilities isn’t so bad. In fact, it is way better than having to do it all alone. I realize the problem was actually letting somebody else in. Being independent means that you have built a wall around yourself and having built this wall you know everything about the wall. You know its strong point, its weak points and the don’t even think about going there points. All of this means that the chances of this wall failing you are very minimal and there is a lot of comfort in knowing that.

To give this up means you introduce another wall that you need to depend on. This is risky business, you don’t really know anything about this wall and even when you claim to do this wall isn’t yours so it can fail you at any time. So we are all cautious and rather depend on our own wall. It is better to be safe than sorry.

But what happens when there is a sudden change that requires you to depend on another person's wall whether you like it or not. How do we deal with that? Right now all I can come up with is patience and prayer. Think about it now you have to depend on somebody else to get things done, you have to wait for them to do it in their own time, at their own convenience and the best part you cannot rush them. Isn’t that just a recipe for disaster? Maybe we should add fasting to my list: Prayer, fasting and Patience.

While I do not have a solution for the frustrations that you will face (I recommend a glass of wine) I do know that letting go might not be the worst thing in the world. Here is something to think about, unless we are ready to experience the unknown, how do we discover new and possibly better things? Think about it and good luck in letting go.

I am doing good

This week’s post is inspired by Kirk Franklin’s song 123 Victory, for those of you who haven’t heard it yet, you need to give it a go. I will even make it easy for you, click here to listen. I have always believed in the power of music. I believe music has the ability to awaken different emotions in us. Whether it is motivation, empathy, healing or praise. The right song just knows how to get us in the right mood.

The reason I think music is so powerful isn’t really the beat, although yes the beat can be fun. I have many memories of shameless alcohol induced dancing to back that up. I think the reason music is so powerful, are the words, the words are the ones that inspire the emotions in us.

Think about it, have you ever been exercising and about to give up, then Katy Perry’s roar starts to play, next thing you know, you get a surge of energy from some unknown reserve tank and you conquer your workout. Or your lying next to your significant other and John Legend’s all of you starts to play, next thing you know… well, I don’t think I am going to talk about that we can all imagine what happens next.

The point I am trying to make is the words in songs have power. Which takes me back to my initial song “123 Victory”, by now I expect you have all listened to it. If not stop reading and listen to the words of the song, then come back. Do you not find the words powerful, no matter what I am going through I am doing good.

Yes, there is definitely power in those words, however, did you all catch what he says at the end. He said “See the reason why you are doing good is because what is ahead of you, is greater than all things that were behind you. See, you got to understand that everything was already ordained before you got here, for you to do good”. Preach Kirk!! Preach!!!

How true are these words, I remember being an unemployed graduate, who walked to the train station every day because I needed to save money on bus fare and look at me now. Driving my gas guzzler everywhere. I remember wishing and praying I could go on holiday, know what a hamburger tasted like, even ride in an air conditioned car. I guess what I am trying to say is I remember praying for the things I have now. Thank you, lord.

For those of you yet to listen to the song, I think now is a good time to listen to it. And to those who have already listened to it, give it another go. So the next time life throws you a flaming hot s**t ball. You just step out of the way and say “I am doing good”.

On a final note, I hope I inspired some of you to donate last week. If not please donate, let's help others to do good too. 

Let us remember to give back.

I am writing this post because I just watched a video on youtube that reminded me of how fortunate and blessed I am and I was moved to want to do more. Growing up in Lagos, seeing beggars on the street was as common as seeing a poster of the latest Nollywood blockbuster. They were everywhere and I never really thought twice about them to me they blended into the background that made Lagos the city it was.

At the age of 10, I had an eye-opening experience with one of them. No, it isn’t what you are thinking I didn’t suddenly see them in the light they probably wanted me to but I saw them in a negative one. I remember the day clearly I was on my way home from school. Back then my school was so far away a school bus had to ferry me to and fro from school. The bus had almost reached its final stop but it was held back by a traffic warden, I was staring out the window probably dreaming of lunch when I looked down and saw a beggar really close to the wheels of the bus.  This particular beggar sat crossed leg on a small wooden plank with wheels underneath it. From initial assessment anyone who would have looked at him would come to the same conclusion, he was unable to walk.

I was instantly horrified, I thought the bus was going to crush his already damaged legs and I turned to raise the alarm about what was about to happen. However, something made me look back, I am not sure what, maybe I wanted to be sure the wheels would touch him or to assess how much time I had to stop the bus from moving, but I looked back. All I can say was I definitely wasn’t expecting what happened next.

This person saw exactly what I saw and I am guessing he did not want his legs to be crushed by the bus either, so he did the logical thing, he stood up moved away from danger and sat back down. He looked up to see my confounded face, laughed and continued on his way. From that moment on I never trusted anyone I saw begging for money. I believed they were all scam artists after my money.

As the years passed and I no longer saw the world through the eyes of a child, I could clearly see two things. I was fortunate and I was blessed. There is so much suffering and pain in this world, that I sometimes feel guilty that my worry is more about what am I going to eat today and not do I have anything to eat today. I often come across stories that make me kneel down and pray and say thank you, lord, that you picked me to have the life I have.

Maybe it was my prayers that finally, wiped that horrible memory from my mind, and allowed compassion to replace the distaste I felt for people in need. So I give back, in as many ways I can, I sponsor a child and a drug addict so both can have the life I have, I volunteer as often as I can and I donate to worthy causes. I came across one such cause, we all hear about internally displaced people in Nigeria. These people have been pushed out of their homes through no fault of their own. And now live lives none of us would wish upon anyone we know.

Let us extend a helping hand. I know things may be tight for everyone, I assure you I am feeling the pinch just as much as everyone (why is it life gets more expensive the older you are) but from my experience, I have found that the more that you give, the more you will receive. Please donate if you can to this cause https://www.gofundme.com/shipping-food-to-nigerias-idps and help feed those who cannot feed themselves. Thank you

I can do anything

This is a statement that followed me for a few years in Nigeria and frankly, after a while, it simply started to upset me. No, it is not the start to a motivational speech, nor is it people professing their faith (Corinthians 4:13). No, it is a job seekers response to the question “What would you like to do”.

Now before you all attack me, I get it, I know, I have seen it. It is difficult out there, a degree guarantees you nothing!!! Absolutely nothing!!! And with the current exchange rate, there is nothing as demoralizing as emerging from 4+ years of struggle to join the band wagon of “I am looking for a job”. However, sometimes I can’t help but think we are the own architects of our predicaments.

Let me give you a summary of my story, I graduated with two degrees in Chemical Engineering, so you can imagine how many hours I put into that. After a year plus of looking for a job, I decided to take an unpaid internship. Yes, I worked for free!!! Now because I worked for free didn’t mean I didn’t hold myself accountable to high standards, I worked just as hard if not harder than the paid staff and was soon awarded a permanent contract.  After 2 years with them, I realized this was not the direction I wanted for my life, so I made the most difficult decision till date. I dropped everything I knew and wanted and moved countries.

I started from the bottom again, took another internship which was meant to last 3 months. However, I quickly made myself indispensable so I was offered a position to undertake my NYSC with them. Then disaster hit, my batch was the first batch to all be sent to serve in schools. I remember staring horrified at the letter which sent me to a primary school in Oshodi. I remember thinking to myself am I going to waste one year of my life. What am I going to do with this experience once I am done?

Omo I was not going to carry last so I fought back, first I signed up to serve for free, yes people Lagos state government did not pay me a kobo. Now because I was not paid, I was a part-time staff and I was redirected to a school a walking distance from my house which meant no cost incurred on my part. And finally, I went back to the company who initially offered me a place and asked for a part-time position. Now, of course, all did not come easy I had to fight and fight I did. The fight did not end with me getting a placement with the company I  wanted to work for but I took it as far as holding myself to the same accountability as the permanent staff. This meant I had to perform just as well in both places.

By the end of my service year, I had secured employment, to the shock of most of my corp members. They were now dealing with the question I dealt with when I first viewed my dispatch letter “What am I going to do with one-year teaching experience”. Why am I saying all of this, I am saying this because I want us all to take responsibility for our lives and future. Planning for your future does not start after you are done with school but while you are in school.

This is the perfect time to begin to mold yourself into what you want to be, have a clear direction, have goals, a plan and most importantly take steps to achieve it. I find the saying “I can do anything” the easy way out, you have your hands in everything and you are not committing to anything which makes it easy for you to blame others and society for your problems. Trust me problems will come; Rome was not built in a day. It also makes you easy prey for the dream killers, we all know them the people whose sole purpose is to (UN) intentionally bring you down. Fight back; you are after all the architect of your destiny.